The Joys of Childhood
I was born on December 25, 1982, yes a very special day, a day that most of the world celebrates Christmas. I lived with my mom for the beginning 3 years of my life. I do not remember much from those first three years but what I do remember is moving quite a bit and leaving people. When I was 3 my mom married my step-father. My step-father adopted me when I was 3; I remember the big red courthouse building that is now a visitor center in Dallas Texas.
When I was 4 my mom had my brother. I was excited to be a big sister and was so excited when he was born. I loved being the big helper. As I got older I noticed my mom and step dad would argue quite often. Most of the time they fought I felt it was my fault., however, I always tried to find things that made me happy, that I enjoyed doing. When I was 11 my mom gave me my first journal for Christmas and that Christmas was very special because I got to visit my family in Arizona.
December 30, 1993
On December 24, 1993 we left for Arizona. We drove all through the night. We got to Aunt Sandy’s and Uncle Bob’s house that afternoon. After awhile Aunt Lisa and Uncle Frank came with Leslie. Grams and Gramps came 30 minutes after everyone else got there, our family surprised Grams and Gramps. After we ate me and Kara did a sesame street play for everybody. The the next day Sunday we went to church while the Smith family cleaned their house. After lunch me and Kara made fudge with the easy bake oven and it was great. Then on Monday all of us went to Aunt Lisa’s new house, everyone went but Uncle Bob, he had to work. After we saw Aunt Lisa’s house we went to McDonalds. At McDonalds they had a great indoor playhouse. Me and Kara went all over the place. Then Monday night Kara and I stayed up on the hide-a-bed. In the middle of the night Kara got sick so all day Wednesday I was bored. Then Aunt Lisa came with Leslie. It was fun. After Leslie left Grams and Gramps came. Gramps, Kara, and I played Parchessi. Gramps won and Kara came in 2nd and I came in 3rd. Malorie was winning all night. In the morning I got packed took a shower then played Parchessi with Kara. I won! Then a little bit after we left, then we had to come back because we forgot the coffee and my stuff. We got home on December 30, 1993. We had breakfast then watched a movie and opened Christmas presents. The day was great. We will be going back in June!
When I was 4 my mom had my brother. I was excited to be a big sister and was so excited when he was born. I loved being the big helper. As I got older I noticed my mom and step dad would argue quite often. Most of the time they fought I felt it was my fault., however, I always tried to find things that made me happy, that I enjoyed doing. When I was 11 my mom gave me my first journal for Christmas and that Christmas was very special because I got to visit my family in Arizona.
December 30, 1993
On December 24, 1993 we left for Arizona. We drove all through the night. We got to Aunt Sandy’s and Uncle Bob’s house that afternoon. After awhile Aunt Lisa and Uncle Frank came with Leslie. Grams and Gramps came 30 minutes after everyone else got there, our family surprised Grams and Gramps. After we ate me and Kara did a sesame street play for everybody. The the next day Sunday we went to church while the Smith family cleaned their house. After lunch me and Kara made fudge with the easy bake oven and it was great. Then on Monday all of us went to Aunt Lisa’s new house, everyone went but Uncle Bob, he had to work. After we saw Aunt Lisa’s house we went to McDonalds. At McDonalds they had a great indoor playhouse. Me and Kara went all over the place. Then Monday night Kara and I stayed up on the hide-a-bed. In the middle of the night Kara got sick so all day Wednesday I was bored. Then Aunt Lisa came with Leslie. It was fun. After Leslie left Grams and Gramps came. Gramps, Kara, and I played Parchessi. Gramps won and Kara came in 2nd and I came in 3rd. Malorie was winning all night. In the morning I got packed took a shower then played Parchessi with Kara. I won! Then a little bit after we left, then we had to come back because we forgot the coffee and my stuff. We got home on December 30, 1993. We had breakfast then watched a movie and opened Christmas presents. The day was great. We will be going back in June!
Junior High
It was in Junior high that I began my eating disorder. I would take my lunch that my mom packed for me every day and I would throw it away. There was one day that I was made fun of, called mean names, and that was the day I decided to do something that was not going to hurt anyone else. Little did I know. In junior high I felt empty, I felt different, I did not feel accepted in my own skin or family. I looked for love and approval from people. Below is a journal entry from when I was 13…
February 5, 1997
Well Hello! I gave Ms.Felicity a letter yesterday and she read it. Ms. Felicity and I talked about Sara and my father. Ms. Felicity said the next time Sara and I get into a fight to ask her straight forward if she wants to be my friend. I am going to do that when time permits. Then about my father, Ms. Felicity said she banged her head up against the wall till it bled once over her father. She told me to never do that, it is not worth it. She said I am a Child of God. I am a Child of God. I am a Child of God and I mean so much to Him. Her words meant so much to me. Then she had to go. We hugged and then I left.
February 5, 1997
Well Hello! I gave Ms.Felicity a letter yesterday and she read it. Ms. Felicity and I talked about Sara and my father. Ms. Felicity said the next time Sara and I get into a fight to ask her straight forward if she wants to be my friend. I am going to do that when time permits. Then about my father, Ms. Felicity said she banged her head up against the wall till it bled once over her father. She told me to never do that, it is not worth it. She said I am a Child of God. I am a Child of God. I am a Child of God and I mean so much to Him. Her words meant so much to me. Then she had to go. We hugged and then I left.
High School
After Junior high I got into high school and started playing sports. I loved interacting with my friends and going to games together but during my high school years I felt very alone, like no one understood me, I questioned what I was even doing here on this earth, what is my purpose?
November 27, 1997
This Thanksgiving Day has sucked! Not because my grandma is here but because the kids don’t listen they don’t obey and it makes everyone else in a bad mood. Also this Thanksgiving our family has not gotten along well. Everyone seems to hate me, the kids, my dad, my mom doesn’t hate me but she is so caught up in other things she doesn’t care. I wish I had a close family, but I don’t. It is hard at home! I feel I have been through 2 dads and I was not good enough and that it is all my fault. My family does not care how I feel. I am not here. They don’t care about me, they all hate me, I might as well have died or be dead. It’s better that way for me and for them, they might as well get rid of me, I’m better off that way.
That was my freshman year of high school and I truly felt that way, that it was better if I was not around. Do you ever feel like this? If you do, please reach out to someone. Know that you are worthy and you are loved! Please contact me!
I continued my eating disorder during this time, I just started cutting out my “fear foods” or foods that I thought were bad for me. For me if I could not control my surroundings or how my family treated me at least I could control my food, it numbed me and made me feel better especially when I was really upset.
July 17, 1997
I have had it!!! I can’t stand it anymore, everything is my fault! My mom is blaming me for everything When I did not do it. But I am just a ____kid, right? I am trying so hard to stay in a good mood and to hang in there but it seems the harder I try the more everyone gripes or yells at me. Why? Why God? I don’t understand, “Daddy in heaven I need you now, I need your help. What can I do? I need you, I don’t want to be the close minded Becca, God please help me. Please! Why did this have to happen, did I do something wrong…You are a princess a daughter of the King. SO hold on little Princess to your Daddy up above.” I realized why I like my youth group and retreat group because everyone helps each other out and cares for each other. We don’t really fight. At home all my family does is fight, blame everyone else and they never help anyone with anything.
During high school I was struggling in finding who I was, who God created me to be. I went on a trip my junior year and I did a lot of praying and searching and I remember the day I had to wash windows as a service project.
June 30, 2000
While I was washing windows during secret silence I felt God was telling me that it is not until we come and totally surrender ourselves that we will be clean, crystal clear. As I was washing one window I realized I could see my reflection. And this thought came into my head… “we need to be whom God created us to be and wants us to be, not what everyone else wants” When we do what everyone else wants that is when junk begins to stick to us and it is not until we surrender and come to God and reconcile with each other that we can see our reflection of whom God created us to be, and hopefully be formed into that person. “My precious daughters grasp my sacred heart this day. Shine my love to all you see and know that I am with you and I love you!”
November 27, 1997
This Thanksgiving Day has sucked! Not because my grandma is here but because the kids don’t listen they don’t obey and it makes everyone else in a bad mood. Also this Thanksgiving our family has not gotten along well. Everyone seems to hate me, the kids, my dad, my mom doesn’t hate me but she is so caught up in other things she doesn’t care. I wish I had a close family, but I don’t. It is hard at home! I feel I have been through 2 dads and I was not good enough and that it is all my fault. My family does not care how I feel. I am not here. They don’t care about me, they all hate me, I might as well have died or be dead. It’s better that way for me and for them, they might as well get rid of me, I’m better off that way.
That was my freshman year of high school and I truly felt that way, that it was better if I was not around. Do you ever feel like this? If you do, please reach out to someone. Know that you are worthy and you are loved! Please contact me!
I continued my eating disorder during this time, I just started cutting out my “fear foods” or foods that I thought were bad for me. For me if I could not control my surroundings or how my family treated me at least I could control my food, it numbed me and made me feel better especially when I was really upset.
July 17, 1997
I have had it!!! I can’t stand it anymore, everything is my fault! My mom is blaming me for everything When I did not do it. But I am just a ____kid, right? I am trying so hard to stay in a good mood and to hang in there but it seems the harder I try the more everyone gripes or yells at me. Why? Why God? I don’t understand, “Daddy in heaven I need you now, I need your help. What can I do? I need you, I don’t want to be the close minded Becca, God please help me. Please! Why did this have to happen, did I do something wrong…You are a princess a daughter of the King. SO hold on little Princess to your Daddy up above.” I realized why I like my youth group and retreat group because everyone helps each other out and cares for each other. We don’t really fight. At home all my family does is fight, blame everyone else and they never help anyone with anything.
During high school I was struggling in finding who I was, who God created me to be. I went on a trip my junior year and I did a lot of praying and searching and I remember the day I had to wash windows as a service project.
June 30, 2000
While I was washing windows during secret silence I felt God was telling me that it is not until we come and totally surrender ourselves that we will be clean, crystal clear. As I was washing one window I realized I could see my reflection. And this thought came into my head… “we need to be whom God created us to be and wants us to be, not what everyone else wants” When we do what everyone else wants that is when junk begins to stick to us and it is not until we surrender and come to God and reconcile with each other that we can see our reflection of whom God created us to be, and hopefully be formed into that person. “My precious daughters grasp my sacred heart this day. Shine my love to all you see and know that I am with you and I love you!”
"Please let me wake up tomorrow...."
After I graduated high school, I was searching. All my friends left, I did not know where I wanted to go to college, and I still felt out of place with my family. I ended up living at home my freshman year of college and going to a local community college from 2001 to 2002. My parents still were having a tough time and they even separated for awhile. My mom became pregnant and was put on bed rest. I felt as if somehow everything that was happening was my fault; I was the cause of all of this hurt and pain in my family. I felt so alone so discourage and during this time I started to severely restrict my food, eating very little, lying about what I ate, hiding food, and even purging after meals. I started losing weight rapidly, my eating disorder was my comfort it became my security blanket, it went with me wherever I did, it made me numb to all of my feelings. I stopped writing in my journals because I did not want to hurt anymore, I stopped playing music, I stopped dancing and singing, I was slowly losing the things that I used to love the most. People began noticing that something was wrong, things were not right, they would ask me every once in a while, but I always said, “Nothing is wrong, I am just a little stressed.”
I decided that my family was not where I wanted to be, I wanted to be really alone, I wanted to seclude myself and get away from all the pain. I thought if I went to a university that maybe all the pain would disappear. The pain did not disappear, it continued even when I got to university in 2002 to 2003. I had a roommate, but she was never around. I was alone, all by myself and all I could hear in my head was my “shitty committee” talking about how I was not good enough, I was not thin enough, how I was not worthy of living. I did not make many friends in college, I had very few friends, my eating disorder was my best friend and it already had a huge hold on my life and I could not let it go. I never went to the cafeteria to eat with anyone, I ate alone or I just never went. I would go to class and study and listen to the committee in my head, and sleep, day after day after day. I tried to see therapists and counselors but I lied, I was dishonest because I did not want to give up the thing I thought was protecting me.
My junior year, 2003 – 2004 I decided an apartment sounded even more appealing. I could have a room, I could have my own kitchen to buy food and make food. I moved into an apartment with 3 other girls. I became close to these girls, and they could see something was wrong. My hair had started to fall out, my skin was an ashy gray, I was always cold, they did not see me eat much when I was home, and they started to worry about me. My eating disorder got to the point where I would buy food and chew and spit it out, I would hardly eat anything for days. I could not make it through a day at work, I started having really bad headaches, my grades were suffering, my life was not fun at all…I started to get really scared. One night I started having severe chest pains and I pulled the covers up to my chest and prayed, “Please let me wake up tomorrow, I just want to wake up tomorrow.” I was so afraid I was going to die…that I was going to die that night.
I woke up the next morning, and when I did my roommate said to me, “I peer over the bed to see if your sheets are moving, because if they are moving then I know you are breathing and I know you are still alive.” That hit me…I was dying, and I had a choice of life or death, I had to choose. I was scared out of my mind about giving up the thing that I had held so close to for years, but I was also more scared of dying, of never getting married, of never being able to have children, of never being a mom or wife, of never being a speaker. I decided I wanted to live.
I decided that my family was not where I wanted to be, I wanted to be really alone, I wanted to seclude myself and get away from all the pain. I thought if I went to a university that maybe all the pain would disappear. The pain did not disappear, it continued even when I got to university in 2002 to 2003. I had a roommate, but she was never around. I was alone, all by myself and all I could hear in my head was my “shitty committee” talking about how I was not good enough, I was not thin enough, how I was not worthy of living. I did not make many friends in college, I had very few friends, my eating disorder was my best friend and it already had a huge hold on my life and I could not let it go. I never went to the cafeteria to eat with anyone, I ate alone or I just never went. I would go to class and study and listen to the committee in my head, and sleep, day after day after day. I tried to see therapists and counselors but I lied, I was dishonest because I did not want to give up the thing I thought was protecting me.
My junior year, 2003 – 2004 I decided an apartment sounded even more appealing. I could have a room, I could have my own kitchen to buy food and make food. I moved into an apartment with 3 other girls. I became close to these girls, and they could see something was wrong. My hair had started to fall out, my skin was an ashy gray, I was always cold, they did not see me eat much when I was home, and they started to worry about me. My eating disorder got to the point where I would buy food and chew and spit it out, I would hardly eat anything for days. I could not make it through a day at work, I started having really bad headaches, my grades were suffering, my life was not fun at all…I started to get really scared. One night I started having severe chest pains and I pulled the covers up to my chest and prayed, “Please let me wake up tomorrow, I just want to wake up tomorrow.” I was so afraid I was going to die…that I was going to die that night.
I woke up the next morning, and when I did my roommate said to me, “I peer over the bed to see if your sheets are moving, because if they are moving then I know you are breathing and I know you are still alive.” That hit me…I was dying, and I had a choice of life or death, I had to choose. I was scared out of my mind about giving up the thing that I had held so close to for years, but I was also more scared of dying, of never getting married, of never being able to have children, of never being a mom or wife, of never being a speaker. I decided I wanted to live.
I chose to LIVE...but I was scared!
On March 24, 2004, I said goodbye to my roommates, and drove to an Eating Disorder Treatment Facility in Dallas, Texas. It was raining, cold and I was crying the whole way there. I was questioning, what am I going to do at this place? Can I do this? Can I live without my eating disorder? How am I going to eat food and not purge or take laxatives? I was so scared. My first day was so hard; I had no idea what I was getting into or how sick I really was. My first day I had a feeding tube put in, I was given a wheel chair I had to use, and I had a special bed that had air in it so that I did not get bed sores.
March 28, 2004
“Session was about getting out and socializing, something I did not do much of. They said get out and swing dance, bowl, hang with friends, talk, go on outings, have fun. Hopefully I will be able to enjoy these things with my roommates. I am hoping to get closer to Morgan as time progresses. They keep asking me if I am depressed and I do not think that I am, but obviously for some reason they think that I might be depressed. I think I am just quiet. I hope that dinner is light and not too heavy. Someone said they couldn't see the bones in my cheeks as much and now I am a bit upset about that. I shouldn't be but I am. I hope to get over this feeling through the program. They won’t let me walk anywhere. It is getting annoying. Well I will write after dinner.”
April 7, 2004
“My biggest obstacle to recovery is the fear of not looking this thin anymore, not fitting into my tiny tiny clothes anymore. I am afraid of not looking this thin because I have looked this way for a very long time and I am afraid to change to take a step. I want to fit into my ity bitty clothes because it is in my comfort zone. Fitting into those sizes brings me comfort. Fear of getting fat and not normal or pretty. Fear of changing so much physically people will not recognize me…FEAR!
April 13 2012
"Today in meeting with Dr. Smith I spoke about “finding thyself” I am searching for my emotions and my true feelings & not the feelings and the emotions that I think everyone else to see. That is a struggle for me right now. I want to be liked but I want to be true. I am realizing with this eating disorder there is no middle ground you are either on one side with the disorder or on the other side with recovery. I am also realizing you cannot have double standards – just one for yourself."
August 19, 2004
“All I can say is that I need help. I need to learn to let people love me, not to pull away and be afraid. If I let people love me what will happen? A relationship will grow, that relationship could flourish or disappear. It might disappear why keep trying to have a relationship, because it might stop it may live forever.”
March 28, 2004
“Session was about getting out and socializing, something I did not do much of. They said get out and swing dance, bowl, hang with friends, talk, go on outings, have fun. Hopefully I will be able to enjoy these things with my roommates. I am hoping to get closer to Morgan as time progresses. They keep asking me if I am depressed and I do not think that I am, but obviously for some reason they think that I might be depressed. I think I am just quiet. I hope that dinner is light and not too heavy. Someone said they couldn't see the bones in my cheeks as much and now I am a bit upset about that. I shouldn't be but I am. I hope to get over this feeling through the program. They won’t let me walk anywhere. It is getting annoying. Well I will write after dinner.”
April 7, 2004
“My biggest obstacle to recovery is the fear of not looking this thin anymore, not fitting into my tiny tiny clothes anymore. I am afraid of not looking this thin because I have looked this way for a very long time and I am afraid to change to take a step. I want to fit into my ity bitty clothes because it is in my comfort zone. Fitting into those sizes brings me comfort. Fear of getting fat and not normal or pretty. Fear of changing so much physically people will not recognize me…FEAR!
April 13 2012
"Today in meeting with Dr. Smith I spoke about “finding thyself” I am searching for my emotions and my true feelings & not the feelings and the emotions that I think everyone else to see. That is a struggle for me right now. I want to be liked but I want to be true. I am realizing with this eating disorder there is no middle ground you are either on one side with the disorder or on the other side with recovery. I am also realizing you cannot have double standards – just one for yourself."
August 19, 2004
“All I can say is that I need help. I need to learn to let people love me, not to pull away and be afraid. If I let people love me what will happen? A relationship will grow, that relationship could flourish or disappear. It might disappear why keep trying to have a relationship, because it might stop it may live forever.”
Love Letters to Myself
I learned in the hospital that I caused heart damage, I was diagnosed with osteoporosis, and I lost my close friends. One of the biggest things I had to learn to do was, love myself. I began the process of loving myself by writing love letters to myself.
June 6, 2004
Dear Rebekah, Smile for me, let me see the fun filled life within you that has been missing for so long. While you were slowly killing me, I became very weak and did not enjoy the company of others. You only cared about yourself. The best thing you could have ever done was come to the hospital. I know how hard it was for you to go to the hospital, but it was the right choice. Here you have begun to blossom again. A rose does not become a rose in a day. It takes time. As time passes it gathers the nutrients and things it needs for life. You too are like a rose gathering tools for your recovery. Recovery does not happen overnight, it takes time. Time is precious, use it wisely. I love you.
Love,
Rebekah
June 6, 2004
Dear Rebekah, Smile for me, let me see the fun filled life within you that has been missing for so long. While you were slowly killing me, I became very weak and did not enjoy the company of others. You only cared about yourself. The best thing you could have ever done was come to the hospital. I know how hard it was for you to go to the hospital, but it was the right choice. Here you have begun to blossom again. A rose does not become a rose in a day. It takes time. As time passes it gathers the nutrients and things it needs for life. You too are like a rose gathering tools for your recovery. Recovery does not happen overnight, it takes time. Time is precious, use it wisely. I love you.
Love,
Rebekah
Where I am Today
After 3 months inpatient and 2 months outpatient I was allowed to “graduate” from the program. I left there wondering how I was going to do this on my own…How could I do this? Three things helped me, affirmations, asking myself what I knew to be true, and reaching out to people when I needed help. It was an additional 4 year journey for me to recovery. I kept sight of my dreams, being a mom, being a wife, wearing a white dress, and sharing my recovery story with others that were just like me. It was not easy, it took hard work, but you are worth it! You can recover and you can enjoy your life and everything in it. I do have some rough days still, but I always ask myself, “What do I know to be true?” The answer is always you are a princess, a daughter of the King, you are beautiful, you are loved, and you are worthy!